bamboobones_rory's reviews
433 reviews

academic and dense, FYI 

amazing
old but good 
really important to read if you are connected to farming or food systems in any way 

Pros: 

This book lists toxic behavior and then provides a list of tips and actions to deal with that person or behavior. Useful and does what it says on the tin. Not a light read!! But if you are picking it up, you probably know that. 

Content warning: 

this book was hard for me to read at times because i felt triggered, since it described behaviors that people have done to me that I haven't fully unpacked in therapy yet.  

Please be gentle with yourself while reading. It's ok to take breaks.  

Cons:  

1. IMO using buzzwords like "empath", that don't have a basis in science, are not useful to connecting with others. While everyone has different ways of experiences emotions, this book uses a lot of words that got popular on social media and I don't think that's helpful to understanding the diverse human experience. I feel like  "empath"  implies the average person doesn't have empathy- idk how to rate this book because I feel like we should be kind to people regardless of their level of empathy and emotional experiences. And I say this as a person with hypersensitivity issues. 

2. While the book mentioned there's lots of toxic people who are not sociopaths or narcissists, it also doesn't properly address the impact of other mental health disorders.  I think this is a major flaw of the book. Having a parent or caregiver with memory loss or severe mental health issues can result in them gaslighting their loved one unintentionally. I had a caregiver like this, and it's important to me to make the distinction between their behavior from meds or symptoms vs. choices to be toxic/immature/not go to therapy. 

3. It uses "toxic people" over "toxic behavior". This labeling doesn't help build better communities. for example, one person i know had toxic behaviors towards me when she was very depressed, but after recovering from that spiral, she improved, and I would not call her a toxic person. This language also makes it harder for people (the reader) to ID their own toxic behaviors- since it's easier to ID with a mistake or behavior than a judgement on your whole person. For most people, I think everyone does it under severe emotional pressure or trauma, but it's not a trend or pattern, but isolated in our lives. Also, people who have done years of "healing" can still slip back if unregulated. Like how people act in a war zone is different from civilian life- environments are important. While the behaviors in this book are severe versions of sociopaths or abusers, this labeling doesn't help the reader consider that they might be part of the problem in a 2-way toxic dynamic. That might not be the goal of the book- but it's an important one, so that we break cycles of intergenerational abuse, to build the kind of world we want to see. 

Some books that address human behavior and abuse in a more nuanced way are: 

Reclaim by  Dr Ahona Guha (includes behaviors of abusers, how they get that way, and how victims can heal from trauma) 
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman (more big picture of trauma, includes recovering from emotional abuse) 

Overall it is useful, though a painful read, but lacks a lot of nuance about disability and the spectrum of human behavior. It also doesn't consider neurodiversity in the sense that is assumes a default kind of "communication" which just means neurotypical and western.  It does not account for autistic experiences. 

Ivan E. Coyote's stories feel familiar and warm. I hold them close to my heart as a trans-masc person from a rural area. Their stories tell of tomboys & fishing & girls learning to be manly from uncles and cousins, of large Irish Catholic families with strong women who run everything, tell stories, and who both have tender hearts and the ability to start a fire in sub-zero weather and fix a truck. Their stories tell of a familiar rural survivalist masculinity, where everyone is a bit butch and tough to live in that landscape, but still Ivan's queerness is an outlier, a little too tomboyish. I love how these stories show both changing attitudes in rural areas overtime, and the lives of the queers that have always lived there. I love how the stories show the acceptance of tranness and queerness by rural folks for decades or the past century, along with the real dangers of death, gay-bashing, rape, and violence. Both coexist in the same landscape, and it is both a fearful way to be, while more people are more open-minded than people in cities like to say. The stories bounce between rural Canada- the Yukon, Whitehorse, Ontario, and cities like Vancouver or trips to NYC. Ivan E. Coyote is a master storyteller who cares deeply about sharing their stories with rural queer and trans youth. I first read their work in high school, in a rural environment surrounded by conservative rhetoric, and their words were so meaningful to me. I am biased in writing this review as I love all their work not just for their skill, but how personally I have had similar experiences. Their stories are told with even pacing, but detailed and winded in a way that the elders of my families told stories. They are very talented at portraying humans in all their emotions and opinions and messiness. 

Interesting but like blog snippets, not any information in depth about how it all works! Some of the science is more speculation that fact. Some of it is super cool and actually downplayed how cool it is!!! 

This was the queer rural mlm dysfunctional family rep I needed. Gay rural fantasy - feels like the urban fantasy genre but this one is set in rural areas and deals with complex family dynamics. I love to see a modern fantasy novel featuring gay men (or mlm) and witchcraft! Exciting fantasy plot but also address homophobia, racism, weird relations to class, shitty family and parents, and family tensions. 

I loved the gay romance mixed in with fantasy plot so much! Main character was also hospitalized as young adult for mental health/magic, and has trauma due to that, at the hands of family. 

I personally liked the portrayal of family tension and class and the complexity of it. Some family members are in a trailer park still, some are working white-collar jobs like doctors, and this is openly discussed. This isn't something I have read much of in other novels. I think I felt like these dynamics were one of the few times ever I've seen this in a fantasy novel.

Downside- I don't know how I feel about the lizard people in this book. I think it's just like a D&D race and not a dogwhistle but that might make someone else uncomfortable. 

Practical & useful, written by a therapist. Not academic/theory but steps and lists to identify behaviors and recovery.