Scan barcode
A review by bamboobones_rory
The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People: How to Reclaim Your Power from Narcissists and Other Manipulators by Shahida Arabi
challenging
emotional
informative
sad
4.0
Pros:
This book lists toxic behavior and then provides a list of tips and actions to deal with that person or behavior. Useful and does what it says on the tin. Not a light read!! But if you are picking it up, you probably know that.
Content warning:
this book was hard for me to read at times because i felt triggered, since it described behaviors that people have done to me that I haven't fully unpacked in therapy yet.
Please be gentle with yourself while reading. It's ok to take breaks.
Cons:
1. IMO using buzzwords like "empath", that don't have a basis in science, are not useful to connecting with others. While everyone has different ways of experiences emotions, this book uses a lot of words that got popular on social media and I don't think that's helpful to understanding the diverse human experience. I feel like "empath" implies the average person doesn't have empathy- idk how to rate this book because I feel like we should be kind to people regardless of their level of empathy and emotional experiences. And I say this as a person with hypersensitivity issues.
2. While the book mentioned there's lots of toxic people who are not sociopaths or narcissists, it also doesn't properly address the impact of other mental health disorders. I think this is a major flaw of the book. Having a parent or caregiver with memory loss or severe mental health issues can result in them gaslighting their loved one unintentionally. I had a caregiver like this, and it's important to me to make the distinction between their behavior from meds or symptoms vs. choices to be toxic/immature/not go to therapy.
3. It uses "toxic people" over "toxic behavior". This labeling doesn't help build better communities. for example, one person i know had toxic behaviors towards me when she was very depressed, but after recovering from that spiral, she improved, and I would not call her a toxic person. This language also makes it harder for people (the reader) to ID their own toxic behaviors- since it's easier to ID with a mistake or behavior than a judgement on your whole person. For most people, I think everyone does it under severe emotional pressure or trauma, but it's not a trend or pattern, but isolated in our lives. Also, people who have done years of "healing" can still slip back if unregulated. Like how people act in a war zone is different from civilian life- environments are important. While the behaviors in this book are severe versions of sociopaths or abusers, this labeling doesn't help the reader consider that they might be part of the problem in a 2-way toxic dynamic. That might not be the goal of the book- but it's an important one, so that we break cycles of intergenerational abuse, to build the kind of world we want to see.
Some books that address human behavior and abuse in a more nuanced way are:
Reclaim by Dr Ahona Guha (includes behaviors of abusers, how they get that way, and how victims can heal from trauma)
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman (more big picture of trauma, includes recovering from emotional abuse)
Overall it is useful, though a painful read, but lacks a lot of nuance about disability and the spectrum of human behavior. It also doesn't consider neurodiversity in the sense that is assumes a default kind of "communication" which just means neurotypical and western. It does not account for autistic experiences.
This book lists toxic behavior and then provides a list of tips and actions to deal with that person or behavior. Useful and does what it says on the tin. Not a light read!! But if you are picking it up, you probably know that.
Content warning:
this book was hard for me to read at times because i felt triggered, since it described behaviors that people have done to me that I haven't fully unpacked in therapy yet.
Please be gentle with yourself while reading. It's ok to take breaks.
Cons:
1. IMO using buzzwords like "empath", that don't have a basis in science, are not useful to connecting with others. While everyone has different ways of experiences emotions, this book uses a lot of words that got popular on social media and I don't think that's helpful to understanding the diverse human experience. I feel like "empath" implies the average person doesn't have empathy- idk how to rate this book because I feel like we should be kind to people regardless of their level of empathy and emotional experiences. And I say this as a person with hypersensitivity issues.
2. While the book mentioned there's lots of toxic people who are not sociopaths or narcissists, it also doesn't properly address the impact of other mental health disorders. I think this is a major flaw of the book. Having a parent or caregiver with memory loss or severe mental health issues can result in them gaslighting their loved one unintentionally. I had a caregiver like this, and it's important to me to make the distinction between their behavior from meds or symptoms vs. choices to be toxic/immature/not go to therapy.
3. It uses "toxic people" over "toxic behavior". This labeling doesn't help build better communities. for example, one person i know had toxic behaviors towards me when she was very depressed, but after recovering from that spiral, she improved, and I would not call her a toxic person. This language also makes it harder for people (the reader) to ID their own toxic behaviors- since it's easier to ID with a mistake or behavior than a judgement on your whole person. For most people, I think everyone does it under severe emotional pressure or trauma, but it's not a trend or pattern, but isolated in our lives. Also, people who have done years of "healing" can still slip back if unregulated. Like how people act in a war zone is different from civilian life- environments are important. While the behaviors in this book are severe versions of sociopaths or abusers, this labeling doesn't help the reader consider that they might be part of the problem in a 2-way toxic dynamic. That might not be the goal of the book- but it's an important one, so that we break cycles of intergenerational abuse, to build the kind of world we want to see.
Some books that address human behavior and abuse in a more nuanced way are:
Reclaim by Dr Ahona Guha (includes behaviors of abusers, how they get that way, and how victims can heal from trauma)
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman (more big picture of trauma, includes recovering from emotional abuse)
Overall it is useful, though a painful read, but lacks a lot of nuance about disability and the spectrum of human behavior. It also doesn't consider neurodiversity in the sense that is assumes a default kind of "communication" which just means neurotypical and western. It does not account for autistic experiences.