Hmm...I spent so long with this one, largely because it hurt me to get through it. I think I have been following Jackie Hill Perry for nearly ten years. I was first introduced to her when I was 13, and this was through watching her spoken word for PYPM, a now-defunct church that put on several of those “hip Christian” events in LA. For context, during the time I gained exposure to her, I was a closeted teen attending a small (white, Baptist) high school in Gastonia, NC and moonlighting as the first daughter of a small (black, nondenominational) church in Charlotte, NC. When I initially watched Jackie’s videos about how “she’s not gay no more”, I related to them, because I spent a lot of time in that school praying for the same to be true about me. When I look back on that period of my life, I am struck by the deep misery and self-flagellation I put myself through to be a better Christian, and I am thankful that I’ve had the courage, support, and exposure to move past that mindset. I think this book is so heartbreaking for me, because I feel as if Jackie is still stuck in a very dark place that she has justified as her faith.

Here are my general notes:

1. I think it’s a relevant detail to note that Jackie is telling us a story ten years into her faith, and ten years removed from her “lifelong sexuality” (she says this, not me!) However, from what I can gather, she was out for about five years, all of which were during her teens. This isn’t to say that young people can’t have informative and/or transformational life experiences, but more so that it’s confusing that she is an “authority” on two communities (LGBTQ+ people and “delievered” same-sex attracted Christians) that she was clearly a very young member of. I wonder if the opinions about her journey would change if she were older when she was “living as a lesbian”, when she converted, and/or when she wrote this novel.

2. This immaturity kind of exposes itself in her “solutions to lesbianism”: she doesn’t really offer useful tips for people seeking to convert, as it seems like she basically had a dream about her girlfriend being the death of her, and then quit being gay cold turkey with a bit of prayer sprinkled in. HOW is this realistic advice for the majority of people?!? I am confused.

3. There’s a much larger question that really exposes itself in the first pages of this book, where Christian author Nancy Wolgemuth introduces it: who is Jackie’s audience? Nancy basically explains that Jackie and her are nothing alike (because Nancy is white and had two parents and never knew gay people growing up), but that she thinks people like herself can still learn something from Jackie’s testimony. It is VERY telling that this is the woman JHP thought was best suited to introduce her story to her readers, most of whom--given the nature of her publisher, as well as the reviews I’ve seen--are white, conservative Christians. Throughout the story, Jackie seems to share her primary supporters’ disdain for the “pathology” of black communities and single-parent households, and attributes a lot of her homosexuality to being “fatherless.” Once again, so much self-hatred and internalized bigotry coming through--not just against gay people, but also against black people.

4. Because my girlfriend (who also read this book) does not have Goodreads, I am going to pass on her brief review, which I find to be incredibly pertinent: “[This book] is not against homosexuality, it’s against love, period!” This story is very very painful to read, as Jackie is constantly walking away from things she deems sinful to embrace things she does not enjoy. She talks about the deep discomfort she encounters after feeling forced to wear more feminine clothing, and how she was literally repulsed by her future husband touching the small of her back. Her solution to this? Apparently, trusting that God wants her to marry the same man she once told “I just don’t understand why I’m not with women. Because I don’t want to be with you.” This is not love, this is torture!!!

5. I think this book’s promotion of torture shows how Jackie misunderstands why people have “unbelief” about her story: not because it’s not possible to be attracted to different people at different times, but because SHE does not convincingly show any signs of attraction to her husband! She says it feels like a pill to swallow to hold his hand. I don’t want to believe God would call anyone to that misery in order to be like Him.

6. Finally, her criticism of the “heterosexual gospel” is useful, but stops way short of its natural conclusion. She is right about the heterosexual gospel being a hoax: that marriage should not be the goal of Christianity, as it so often is in church communities. But the goal of Christianity also shouldn’t be a life of singleness, which is the option she believes SSA Christians who are NOT given heterosexual urges should pursue!! I liked that she mentioned that the church should create more community for non-married people, but she knows that’s not the case right now. And in the world we’re in, many times you do become very lonely if you aren’t partnered. In her own words, she is comfortable with recommending folks align with the “excruciating nature of following the cross” even if that means a life of solitude, and I am not.

I’d like to finish my review by offering a flash-forward in my personal journey since encountering JHP back in high school. From the outside looking in, I assume some people may think that I feel abandoned by the church I grew up in, and particularly my dad’s ideology. But, I’ve found that this “isolation” is worth it, because it has allowed me to seek out the believers who unconditionally love me, instead of the ones who JHP has encountered, who support her book when she “dresses up pretty” to promote it and denounces black people within it. I’ve seen in her life and my own that many Christians who “support your deliverance” are often expecting that you fit THEIR concept of savedness, which often has little to do with God’s word, and more to do with heteronormativity. What I have learned, especially since coming out to my mom and a beloved member of my childhood church, is that there are people who can hold their faith and your sexuality at once. There are people who can love you enough to ask nothing of you that they would not of themselves. These are the Christians I hope JHP is able to encounter, for her own peace.

At the end of the day, it’s Jackie’s life, and I hope it’s happier than it seems on page, because I just can’t believe God wants anyone to be as miserable as she appears. I wish she weren’t feeding a bunch of white Christians and young, impressionable gay teenagers such a bleak picture of the requirements for people who love God and love the same gender. All in all, I just wanna know which book she’ll be writing in 20 years. I hope, and pray, it’ll have a bunch more joy than this one does.

P.S. If anyone wants actual affirming work to read after this, I am recommending [b:This I Know: A Simple Biblical Defense for LGBTQ Christians|38118338|This I Know A Simple Biblical Defense for LGBTQ Christians|Jim Dant|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1516582125l/38118338._SX50_.jpg|59803844] as well as [b:A New Christianity for a New World: Why Traditional Faith is Dying How a New Faith is Being Born|80207|A New Christianity for a New World Why Traditional Faith is Dying How a New Faith is Being Born|John Shelby Spong|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1424360365l/80207._SY75_.jpg|77449]. The first book (really a booklet) is engaging and easy to get through, especially for those like me who are not great with dense theological text. I haven’t read the latter, but it came highly recommended by my uncle, and I will look forward to posting my Goodreads review of it in the coming weeks!