What can you say about one of the most boring books of all time, yet still tops the charts for best-selling fiction. Firstly the writing style is atrocious. It's like twenty guys were only given part of the story and told to make it up and make it all fit. The inconsistencies are everywhere. They really needed a better editor.

And with so many different cooks the styles are everywhere. From dry accountant listing everything person and every thing in exacting detail, to a fantasy nut who introduces magical staffs and mythical beings who communicate through burning botany.

What happened to the plot? For the first section there is this evil overlord controlling every aspect of his minions life. What they can eat, what they can wear, who they must kill and subjugate next. I kept waiting for a big rebellion and maybe a lightsaber battle but they kept praising this guy. Can't they see they are just his puppets? And it goes on and on and on and on and on and... you get the drift. But thankfully it isn't all just lists, and doom and gloom and wait yes it is. There's some comedy pieces like this guy Noah who forgot all the dinosaurs and left them to die instead of taking them on his super arc. Must have been a cold-hearted guy and let them drown like the chick in Titanic did to Leo. So did Noah paint the dinosaurs like one of his "French girls"?

But then in the second half (or sequel I'm not quite sure. Maybe there was some writers strike between them) he just changes and it's as if he isn't even there anymore. Anti-climactic or what. Now his son is here to make the world a better place. I think the writers owe George Lucas some money for stealing his idea. This guy possesses all these superpowers but never comes up with a cool costume or superhero name. He just walks around, talking and occasionally doing little magic tricks. He could have headlined in Vegas! But no, he just tours the Middle East and forgets about the rest of the world. So in retaliation for not doing a gig in the Coliseum the Romans decide he has to die. And, lo and behold, he does! On a massive cross which must have hurt. But wait! He still has a magic trick up his sleeve (or robe or toga or whatever). He was only faking it. They take his "body" and put it in a cave and he does his Houdini trick and poof, he's gone. I'm thinking he was like the invisible man and ran off and married some little Arabian hottie. And story over.

So some minor magical fantasy pieces surrounded by the dullest of historical fantasy. At over 1000 pages, mostly with pretty small print, this tome makes for one hell of a paperweight and not much else. No wonder it's always left behind in hotels because people get 5 pages in and fall asleep. Do yourself a favour and go read some much better written historical fantasy. Or maybe Harry Potter. Hell maybe even Twilight. No scratch that, Twilight is still worse. Just.