Overall: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (Are you judging me? Well I almost cried at the ending so I HAD to give 5 stars!)
Readability: 📖📖📖📖
Feels: 🦋🦋🦋🦋
Emotional Depth: 💔💔💔
Sexual Tension: ⚡⚡⚡ (The sex is very fast so not much tension build up)
Romance: 💞💞💞💞
Sensuality: 💋💋💋💋
Sex Scene Length: 🍑🍑🍑🍑 (There’s a variety of scenes and some kind of blend together...most of the book is sex)
Steam Scale (Number of Sex Scenes): 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 (It was kind of hard to ‘separate’ scenes, but most of the book is steamy)
Humor: Yes. I mean he was a dildo for 700 years.
Perspective: First person from both the hero and heroine
More character focused or plot focused? character (and sex) focused
How did the speed of the story feel? medium to fast (it’s pretty sex focused, so kind of hard to gauge)
When mains are first on page together: It takes a bit – 13% or chapter 3
Cliffhanger: No, this ends with a happy for now.
Epilogue: No
Format: read through Kindle Unlimited

Should I read in order?
This is a stand alone romance.

Basic plot:
Felicity is writing about sex toys through the ages when she discovers one of her dildos is actually a man

Give this a try if you want:
- contemporary/PNR romance
- age gap (haaaaa) the hero has been a dildo for like 700+ years
- hero lived in Northumbria in 1341 before he was transformed into a dildo
- author/historical heroine – she is writing a book about the history of sex toys
- curse to overcome
- hand crank vibrators
- shorter novel – goodreads has it as 103 pages
- some light kink elements – specifically brat heroine and sex toy usage, some light praise/degradation
- high steam – most of the novel is sex

Ages:
- Didn’t see them mentioned but would guess late 20s/early 30s for heroine and same for hero??

First line:
We barely make it out of the feast before I press her against the stone wall and yank up her skirts.

My thoughts:
Yes! I am back with another inanimate object romance.

In this novel, we have a selfish hero that is only out for his own pleasure. Leaving a trail of unsatisfied quims behind, he eventually meets his match with a witch that curses him for leaving her unsatisfied. Sentences to being a dildo until someone voluntarily sucks him off, he is stuck in that form until our modern day historian gets experimental with her research sex toys.

I ended up loving this romance! It was just so funny, and steamy, and I loved the turn around for the hero. I adored the ending scene, it’s probably one of my favorite sex scenes I’ve read recently….I mean I almost cried that’s how attached to these characters I was…

The sex toy notes in this well as well as the euphemisms through the years were absolute treasures to read in this novel. It was just super fun!

Euphemisms

Polish the wood/pearl
sneezing in her satchel
licking the oracle
lick the fly-trap
little death
sticking the Jasper in the nonny nonny
sinking into the chapel of ease
breaking the arrow
gospel pipe
egg white cannon
putting the pin in the purse

Cock/Hero Stats:

- It’s a decent sized cock but human! Lots of semen though. 600 years worth.

Quotes/thoughts: (Any mistakes are my own)

I love that the heroine scrolls through bookstagram for smutty books...where I’ve seen this one featured quite a few times

Alright, what book is she recommending on her bookstagram today? Pulling up the app, I scroll through her account for a minute until I found one that sounds like it could be interesting.
---
The woman who saved me tosses a blanket in my direction, which is disappointing. Covering up is the last thing on my mind. I drape it casually over my shoulders, making no attempt to hide my best features.
“Could you?” She waves a hand in the direction of my cock.
---
She sighs and rubs a hand down her face. “I guess if I had the use of my hands for the first time in centuries, I’d want to touch everything, too.”
I don’t want to touch everything. I want to touch her.
---
“Come here,” I growl at Felicity as I continue to work her up.
She gives me a confused look, as if to say, I’m already right in front of you.
“No, I want you closer.”
---
“Let me be your rake, your scoundrel, your deviant devil.” I run a firm palm up her spine and twist it into her hair. “I’m going to make your most obscene fantasies from true.”
---
Two different vibrators and a butt plug. “Please tell me those aren’t really friends of yours.”
---
“Does a hoe till the soil or does the farmer?”
Her head cocks to the side. “The farmer.”
“And who will be using these toys on your, Felicity?”
“You.”
“Right. So who’s going to make you come? A bit of plastic or the hand that welds it?”
“You,” she says with a bit more confidence. “You’re going to make me come.”
“I may be a selfish bastard, but I’m quite willing to use every tool at my disposal. I’m going to make you come with my fingers, my tongue, my cock, and every sex toy I can get my hands on.
---
The playfulness drops away, turning into quiet seriousness. “You’re the heart in my chest, Felicity.”
 

Content warnings: (This should be taken as a minimum because I could have missed some!)
Author given content warnings: 

I’ve paraphrased these - Hero is cursed and turned into and used as a dildo without consent (so elements of noncon/dubcon are at play here)

Locations of kisses/intimate scenes:

Safe sex: 

No? I might have missed some birth control talk but he blows it in her 

Hows the consent? 

It’s pretty consensual – there’s talk of boundaries though the hero is pretty cocky about sex 

28% - 🔥 hero uses hand crank dildo on the heroine, fingering for her, her on top

“Now, come for me, darling. My cock is hard enough to snap. I need you to come. Now.”

34% - 🔥 dry humping o for her, followed by oral for her on the table, followed by doggy style with her supported by the table

“You’re wrong about me not wanting to do this,” he says. “I want to make you come again, Felicity. For my own sake, yes. But also as a selfish bastard who wants to taste and touch you until you shatter.”

54% - 🔥 hero jerks off on the heroine

“Are you sure you don’t want to play?” He asks in a low rumble. “You seemed to enjoy my cock in your mouth when I was a dildo.”

65% - 🔥 fingering for her, toy usage – butt plug on her and vibrator on him, blow job for him with her laying on her back on the bed and him standing

“Go sit on the couch like a good boy, and I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
“First,” he says, holding the top of the door frame and blocking the way into the bedroom. “I’m not a good boy. And second, I’m not going anywhere without a kiss.”

89% - 🔥 her on top, sex against the wall (some elements of brat/submissive heroine vibes)

I tug her shoulders, pulling her so her head falls over the edge of the high bed, neck supported by the mattress while her head hangs free.
I tap my cock on her chin. “Open.”
She hesitates for a moment, her eyes spark with something like defiance, but she opens her mouth. Interesting. Does my little historian want to be a brat?
//
“Say it,” I command. “Tell me what you like.”
//
I stop thrusting, pin her to the wall with my hips, and bring one hand up to cup her jaw, sliding my thumb into her mouth. She sucks on the digit, and I let myself revel in the flare of heat that goes straight up my arm and down to my cock before I tug her jaw down and wrench open her mouth.
//
My little historian doesn’t want to be a good girl. She wants to be a brat. No, my little historian wants to be bad. I suspected it before, but now I’m certain. If I give her enough, push her enough to get over her awkwardness and insecurities, she’ll scream. I’m sure of it. She’ll scream so pretty for me. She just needs a shove.
I tug her hair. “I told you to tell me what you want.”
She swallows again, nervous, then bravely pinches her lips between her teeth. Brat. I smile. Perfect little brat.
//
I grip her hair, pull her face to my crotch, and use the tip of my prick to pry open her lips. “Such a dirty girl, stuffing me between your lips.”