I didn’t read this book to figure out how to be the man God wants me to be… because I’m a woman.

But I was curious how Fuller approached the term ‘masculinity’ in a time when it’s pretty much only used negatively.

I’m a woman, but I’m married to a man and I’m raising two sons. My husband is bombarded with the term ‘toxic masculinity’ and my sons will have to figure out their place in a world where they’re made to feel guilty just for being a male.

While this book is primarily written for males, I think women can benefit from reading this in three major ways: recognizing and encouraging biblical masculinity in our husbands, knowing what to look for in a potential husband if we are single, and knowing what to teach our sons if we are mothers.



Fuller acknowledges throughout the book the ways males have hurt others, often with their strength or dominance. But he offers this:

“I want to argue that there’s a difference between that definition of ‘traditional masculinity’ and what we could call ‘biblical masculinity.’”

The traits of ‘traditional masculinity’ the American Psychological Association have identified as often psychologically harmful are: “stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and aggression.”

Fuller clarifies: “To say that some traits can be harmful if indulged excessively is not the same as saying that they always are.”

For example: “…we honor and give thanks for [soldiers’] stoicism and aggression during armed conflict… Competitiveness can be useful in driving innovation. If I’m in a building that’s on fire, I’d like the firefighter to assert some dominance and order me around.”

Certain traits are not inherently bad, but they can be used for good or for harm. So instead defining ‘traits’ of what a man should look like, Fuller provides principles in how men can be more godly men.



I like that Fuller points out how we’ve approached this topic in a negative way— stop doing this, stop acting like that— instead of offering young men a positive vision of what they should be striving for. Constant negativity demoralizes a person, but even in parenting you recognize the change in attitude and results if you shift from a negative ‘Stop hitting your sister’ to a positive ‘You need to have gentle and kind hands.’ It changes from ‘I’m bad’ to ‘I can be good.’

This book attempts to fill in that gap and provide men a positive and helpful framework for living in the world.

He quotes Jordan Peterson, one of the few who promote positive direction, who boils ‘being man’ into two directives: “taking responsibility and living for a purpose.”

These are good, but Fuller fleshes them out in this book and gives them legs, based on Scripture. We shouldn’t just be asking what kind of man or woman we should be, but asking what kind of man or woman God wants us to be. Because what the culture tells us and what God tells us, especially when it comes to identity, are two very different things.

In fact, the culture kinda just wants to throw out the term ‘male’ altogether. We get a hodge podge of contradicting ideas in which gender becomes a fantasy, men are oppressors, men should be more like women, women are better men than men, etc.


This book doesn’t tackle all of that and doesn’t get into the political weeds which I think was good for the purposes of this book. If you want to read more about some of the other tangents of this conversation, check out the list of related books at the end of this review.



To get right down to it these are his seven principles “that describe a biblical, healthy, confident, helpful masculinity”:

1. Men and women really are different (but don’t exaggerate it)

- He covers some controversial passages here (1 Cor 11; Eph 5) and reiterates that what is appropriate for dress and showing respect can differ according to culture and we can’t be too prescriptive here

- He brings in relevant studies that talk of the real biological differences in men and women, physically and neurologically, etc.

2. Take responsibility

- He looks at Adam’s role and responsibility in Eden showing men’s headship is grounded in creation and defined by Christ’s sacrificial love for the church (Eph 5)

- It’s important here to point out that Fuller rightly says that women are not called to submit to all men as many read out of that infamous passage. The biblical submission asked of women is in the context of her committed marriage to her husband with the expectation that the husband is loving her sacrificially not holding dominance over her.

3. Be ambitious for God

- This is the recognition of men’s bent towards achievement and recognizing what ambitions are selfish or not

- He talks about men’s relationship to work and encouraging men to be productive, not idle, with the emphasis on ‘productive’ not ‘paid’ work. There is always something to do that is productive, whether or not you’re getting paid for it. How you spend your time should signify serving in some capacity and with eternity in mind.

4. Use your strength to protect

- This (and the next one) may be one of the most contested ones in the list because of people’s very real experiences in which men were violent or manipulative.

- “Violence towards the wicked is required in order to provide protection to the innocent. So we shouldn’t be surprised that we see that same model in the Bible. God himself is described as a warrior who fights to protect his people.”

- Before your feathers are ruffled, he clarifies that the physical “protective, measured aggression” that Moses shows in Exodus when he comes down to the golden calf would not be condoned today but is the equivalent of church discipline— fiercely protecting the Word of God, God’s church, and God’s people. There is emphasis here on raising hands in prayer, not in violence, but still with a zeal to guard and protect what is good.

- He covers 1 and 2 Timothy 2 where the role of women in the church is discussed. (He holds a complementarian view if you’re wondering)

5. Display thoughtful chivalry

- He says, “Chivalry is using strength to serve.”

- He acknowledges that when women are antagonistic towards men opening doors or helping them, we shouldn’t be quick to judge because there’s usually an experience or a pain that may be behind that reaction. It doesn’t mean men stop helping women, and they can be gracious and unoffended when their help is rejected.

- There is brief talk of pornography here and how watching porn dehumanizes women.

- There is also a small section on how to treat women while dating and pursuing marriage.

6. Invest in friendships

- “Hardship + friendship = maturity
 Hardship + loneliness= destructive sin”

- “when we talk about our triumphs it can create competition; when we talk about our failures it builds community.”

- We always need people around us who are willing to kindly rebuke us when we have strayed and men have a tendency not to keep close friends or talk of their failures, but this is essential for growth and becoming more Christlike.

7. Raise healthy ‘sons’ (sons is in quotes because, like Paul to Timothy, men can be father figures to young men or boys who are not their biological sons)

- “Part of training is discipline. Boys do need boundaries, and it’s kind to provide them. I’ve yet to see a tennis match where the players complain that someone has painted lines on the ground.”

- He reminds us that discipline should not be harsh, bullying, or belittling, but kind and wise.

- “Every Christian dad needs to model to their children that the Christian life is not one merely or primarily of moral conformity— it is a life of repentance and faith. It’s a life in which behavior flows out of knowing that God accepts us, not out of a desire to achieve acceptance.”

- We have to be ready to admit our own wrongdoings to our kids and ask for forgiveness.



“We can boil all of these down to something like this: Being a godly man means taking responsibility to lead, being ambitious for God’s kingdom, using your strength to protect the church and serve others, investing in friends, and raising godly ‘sons.’”

These points are simplified here. I don’t think you can just take this list and run with it without reading his explanations further. I know just the word chivalry probably conjures certain feelings for a lot of people. So this list is the bare bones and can easily be taken out of context and thrown out without giving Fuller a chance to show what he means.

In that regard, I think this would be a good book for a group of men to go through together. It’s short so it’s a pretty quick read and would foster some good conversations and areas where they can provide each other with accountability.



This book is not meant to be exhaustive or prescriptive. These are broad-stroke principles not daily routine schedules. I think there is always going to be a vagueness to ‘what should it look like to be a godly man or woman’ because we encounter so many diverse situations and challenges. It’s not a list of traits we can check off each day, but principles we can act towards based on a heart that is grounded in Christ’s love and sacrifice. There is room for differences here— every man is not going to look the same or like the same things, but ‘manhood’ is more defined by a right posture before God and towards others.

My husband didn’t read this book (at least at the time of writing this review) but I did discuss it with him to see what he thought about it. I asked what he would or would not want to read when he picked up a book with this title. He said he would be turned off if the author talked about masculinity being about ruggedness. (Fuller did not.) He said he would like to read about biblical masculinity being about men as bold leaders in ministry, in their homes, and in the world. About men being protectors and servants. (Fuller delivered.)



Obviously, my view of this book can only go so far. I’m not a man and I don’t fully understand the struggles that men face in being men. I don’t fully understand what they’re up against when they’re at the receiving end of ‘toxic masculinity’ rhetoric.

I do know that it’s a confusing time to be a man just as it is a confusing time to be a woman. It seems whatever we choose is wrong— according to the culture. But we can’t look to the ever-shifting definitions of the culture for this.

And that’s why Fuller’s book is important and helpful. He shows us the timeless truths of the Bible and the principles given on how we relate to one another and work out of God’s design for males and females.

As a woman reading this book, I feel like Fuller did a good job of defending women and validating a lot of the fears and anxieties women may have towards men that men don’t understand or think about. I appreciated the inclusion of the pornography discussion because that is too often overlooked or deemed irrelevant when that couldn’t be further from the truth.



I liked how he reiterated that getting married isn’t a qualifier for being a godly man. Paul and Jesus were both unmarried. But even unmarried, men will still interact with women and children and these principles can be applied in whatever situation we find ourselves in.

I also really appreciated his emphasis at the end of forgiveness and redemption. Some may read the book and think they’ve missed the boat on all of these principles, but it’s never too late and God’s mercy and forgiveness is abundant. None of us will perfectly carry out God’s design for us, but with the Spirit’s help, he will continually refine us until we are at home with Him.


I would definitely recommend this book for both men and women, but especially men, because ‘toxic’ is not the only way to describe masculinity, and God’s design and plan for men is important and essential. Women and children need men who desire to step into the role of sacrificial, servant leader who will protect and stand up for what is right and good with both zeal and compassion. I believe this book will set men on the right trajectory to that end.



Further Reading

The Problem of Porn by Vaughan Roberts (Fuller did not broach the topic of pornography in-depth but acknowledged its significance in the topic of masculinity. Culture’s view towards porn is troubling to say the least. This short book addresses it more directly)

Raising Confident Kids in a Confusing World by Ed Drew (this is a great resource for parents in how to talk to your kids about gender, friendships, sex, and marriage)

The War Against Boys by Christina Hoff Sommers (this is an informative secular book with some overlap in Fuller’s book talking about the differences between girls and boys and how ideas and policies meant to help girls are mostly just hurting boys)

Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality: Empowering Your Kids to Understand and Live Out God’s Design
by Hillary Morgan Ferrer (this is a pretty comprehensive book about all things related to sexuality that is a really practical guide for parents in knowing how to talk to your kids about this stuff)

What God Has to Say about Our Bodies by Sam Allberry (this book talks about bodies and why they matter which is relevant to the gender discussion; there is also further discussion on gender roles in our culture and gender identity; would be especially helpful for men who feel like they don’t ‘fit’ in the box of ‘man’)

Men and Women in the Church by Kevin DeYoung (if you would like a short book that looks further into the controversial Bible passages about men and women’s roles in the church, this book is it. If you want a longer version, read Tim Keller’s Evangelical Feminism)

Eve in Exile and the Restoration of Femininity by Rebekah Merkle (if you would like to see a book on femininity in today’s culture, this may be a good option for you- if you’re looking for something blunt and straightforward.)

Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund (for anyone who just feels like a failure and needs some hope and encouragement)


**Received a copy via The Good Book Company in exchange for an honest review**