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A review by toggle_fow
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
5.0
This book was a scary, informative read.
His thesis, learned from years of counseling abusive men, is that they don't abuse because they were abused as children, or because a previous girlfriend hurt them, or because they're drug or alcohol addicts, etc etc... but because they genuinely believe that they deserve to get their way in a relationship, and any other result is actually an offense against them.
I have to give this book five stars because I have never once heard that before, and this book is already old, so I know it's not a brand-new concept.
It sounded almost crazy when he started out saying that addressing "anger problems" has no effect on abuse, and addressing addiction has no effect on abuse. Really? Is that possible? But then: "Feelings do not govern abusive or controlling behavior; beliefs, values, and habits are the driving forces." Like, okay, wow. He's right. Complete with illustrative anecdotes from his real-life counseling experience, he paints a horribly convincing picture over the course of the book showing that abusers abuse because they truly believe they are justified in doing so.
He does generalize the heck out of gender differences, which I would say is the most major way the book comes off as a little dated.
His definition of abuse requires the abused person to be terrified, threatened, or controlled by the abusive action; because of that, he throws nearly all situations in which a woman might be abusing her male partner out of the definition, since a man can't hardly be frightened by a woman hitting him, right? He also warns that nearly all men who claim to have been abused by their female partner are actually the abuser and just twisting the situation to garner sympathy.
It's impossible to deny that the overwhelming majority of abuse does come from men, from almost any statistic you might consult, but I do think that generalizing as firmly and as broadly as he does is dangerous. Of course there are minority situations in which a perfectly normal man might be terrified or controlled by an abusive wife, and discounting even that possibility is just cruel, given the widespread mockery and disbelief that men who truly have been abused encounter anyway.
Overall, most of this book is aimed toward giving the abused partner tools to understand what is happening to them, but he devotes some sections to advice for concerned relatives and friends, and professionals in the court and mental health systems as well. There is a lot here that I didn't know, and a lot that I probably never would have figured out on my own. Well worth the read.
His thesis, learned from years of counseling abusive men, is that they don't abuse because they were abused as children, or because a previous girlfriend hurt them, or because they're drug or alcohol addicts, etc etc... but because they genuinely believe that they deserve to get their way in a relationship, and any other result is actually an offense against them.
I have to give this book five stars because I have never once heard that before, and this book is already old, so I know it's not a brand-new concept.
It sounded almost crazy when he started out saying that addressing "anger problems" has no effect on abuse, and addressing addiction has no effect on abuse. Really? Is that possible? But then: "Feelings do not govern abusive or controlling behavior; beliefs, values, and habits are the driving forces." Like, okay, wow. He's right. Complete with illustrative anecdotes from his real-life counseling experience, he paints a horribly convincing picture over the course of the book showing that abusers abuse because they truly believe they are justified in doing so.
He does generalize the heck out of gender differences, which I would say is the most major way the book comes off as a little dated.
His definition of abuse requires the abused person to be terrified, threatened, or controlled by the abusive action; because of that, he throws nearly all situations in which a woman might be abusing her male partner out of the definition, since a man can't hardly be frightened by a woman hitting him, right? He also warns that nearly all men who claim to have been abused by their female partner are actually the abuser and just twisting the situation to garner sympathy.
It's impossible to deny that the overwhelming majority of abuse does come from men, from almost any statistic you might consult, but I do think that generalizing as firmly and as broadly as he does is dangerous. Of course there are minority situations in which a perfectly normal man might be terrified or controlled by an abusive wife, and discounting even that possibility is just cruel, given the widespread mockery and disbelief that men who truly have been abused encounter anyway.
Overall, most of this book is aimed toward giving the abused partner tools to understand what is happening to them, but he devotes some sections to advice for concerned relatives and friends, and professionals in the court and mental health systems as well. There is a lot here that I didn't know, and a lot that I probably never would have figured out on my own. Well worth the read.