Holy heartbreak, what a phenomenal story. With its short chapters, harsh and realistic depiction of generational trauma in different forms, and the soft moments between our MCs and their friends, I absolutely left this book in awe of the fact that this is a debut novel.

I'm not going to cushion it - Deedee's mom is emotionally abusive. The generational trauma is so evident and much of this book is Deedee understanding her mother. I love how the abuse isn't justified, but in finding the root of it, Deedee is able to advocate for herself and for a better relationship with her mother. There are a lot of moment of tension and grief from Deedee wishing her mother was different, along with guilt for even thinking it. I honestly think if I had read this book when I was sixteen, I would've been a totally different person. This spoke so much to my own relationship with my mother, and some of the harsh things that have been said in the past. As such, this book was super realistic and healing, in a way, for me.

I also relate to Jay - the need to be everything to everyone else but himself. He tries so hard for the people in his life and doesn't leave anything for himself. As our MCs get to know each other, we unearth the ways they are similar and the ways that they still needed to grow. I love that despite finding this strong connection, they constantly acknowledge throughout the book that a romance won't save them, that they need to grow apart to grow together. With the heavy nature of this story, I found that message so important. I know so many people who think a relationship is what they need to fix their lives (even now, at the age of thirty), and it's hard to see them crash and burn every time. I truly believe that this book provides fantastic lessons and strong messages for healing and growth in a way I haven't seen before in YA. I loved it so so so much.

I also love how these characters build a community around them without really realizing it - Jay is someone who's afraid to be seen a burden to his community, despite people caring about him and his well being and wanting to support him; while Deedee thinks shes unlovable and that she'll ruin every relationship she has. I love how both their friend groups prove them wrong time and time again throughout the story, showing their support in little ways - it really built them up and made the ending even better.

Honestly, I have so many feelings around this book and I don't fully know how to express it. I will say, the positive therapy rep feels like a kick in the butt to get myself back into therapy to work through years and years of familial issues. I honestly think this book has one of my favourite ends ever - how everything came together was so satisfying after all the work our characters put into getting there and I'm tearing up thinking about it. A moving and inspiring debut, I rooted for these characters from beginning to end and I am in absolute awe of this book.

Rep: biracial MCs, positive therapy rep

TW: emotional abuse, generational trauma, domestic abuse, violence, forced isolation, racism, micro-aggression; mentions physical abuse, death of a parent, car accident, gore, blood, death, cancer

Plot: 5/5
Characters: 5/5
World Building: 4.5/5
Writing: 5/5
Pacing: 5/5
Overall: 5/5

ARC gifted via @wordsofmystery via ALA